reaping the cost of solitude

Sunday, April 23, 2006

please give me what i want [part2]

...and then i sink in one of those comfy chairs. Aaah... relaxation. I draw two breathes when the child comes out of nowhere, running toward me. This time he's bringing an orange toy plastic hammer, and while he's running at his own pace, he's raised the hammer as if prepping to hit me with it. I felt playful, and got ready to feign bullshit.


One hit to the head, and the next thing i know, blood is dripping on the floor. A glance down at my shirt revealed blood gliding along my skin all the way to my toes. BUT NO--- the child was not finished yet. Several more hits came in a blur.

...I am down on the floor now, lying on my own pool of blood. I felt the excruciating pain of the bruises and torn flesh left by the hits.................... and I was enjoying it. I was enjoying myself for some reason..... Confetti started to fall all around me once again, and some strange rays of light touched my skin.

While i was busy delighting myself, i became aware that the child was nowhere to be found--- and i find the toy hammer on my feet. Confused, i just lay there and waited for the confetti to stop falling... and then SILENCE. A voice of a child started to speak---

"You're REALLY a big idiot."


I have grown a fondness in things like garbage cans, stones, the dirt-strewn floor, and anything often overlooked and taken for granted. I believe everything is just as meaningful as the next thing. It's fascinating how most things remain while the rest have to "die"... and it's just as interesting that given the shortest span in this virtually infinite straw of time that constantly spins in this world, "life" remains just as important now as it was a few billion years back. We understand that... for we are "blessed" to have experienced it first-hand.

But can we relate to things "devoid" of it? I bet if these constantly overlooked things were given mouths to speak the medium of life, they'd have more stories to tell than any one of us......... This consistently remains alien. It would be culture shock at its finest.... or pure insanity.

It is the living that continually sucks the meaning out of these things... Life, itself, devours what LIFE was left in, say, a pebble. We have invented the word "superficial" and labeled pebbles with it.

Please give me what I want

The child is nagging me at the knees... pulling... begging me to give him something I could not give. He's asking for the little toy up on the shelf just across the room, but for some insane reason, I could not move and get it for him. After a few hours of constant annoyance, the child gives up, takes a chair from the dining room and uses it to reach the oh-so precious toy himself.

...seeing this, I notice that a silly smile took over my face. Relief overwhelms my body. Lights shine and friggin confetti falls all around me. I close my eyes and feel heaven.

While I was busy taking in the moment, this little kid returns the toy and the chair from where it was before, came back to me and stared at me blankly--- he then blurted,

"You're a big idiot."