reaping the cost of solitude

Thursday, May 01, 2014

How To Excel At Being A Boss Despite Your Incompetence

If you're an incompetent boss and often find yourself sitting on your ass with a to-do list devoid of creativity, the quickest way to add fresh bullet points to your list- as well as eradicate idle time- is to call a meeting. Everyone knows this, but still- the power to call meetings on a whim is the pinnacle of manager ego-trips where you can effortlessly summon the ranks and have them drop everything they're doing for the chance to brown-nose you. Others won't be as eager, so the trick is to coerce them into thinking these meetings are in fact "serious business", and by that I mean you're taking it very seriously.

Being the incompetent, uncreative boss that you are, you might run out of stuff to talk about. To avoid this, set an agenda so broad you could literally talk about all day. The more tedious and boring, the better. (IMPORTANT: Be careful not to fall asleep during the meeting. It can prove disastrous to your image!) Luckily, picking an agenda won't take as much brain cells as you might think. It's a matter of setting the stage for a free-flowing discussion and see where your employees can take it. Keep it simple and observational- for example: you might remember seeing dirt in one of the rest rooms and say "I saw dirt in one of the stalls in the rest room the other day. I think housekeeping needs to be improved." Encourage everyone in attendance to give their 2 cents, have an open forum and let them share similar experiences. By the time the discussion has veered off topic and everyone starts debating who would win in a Pacquiao-Mayweather boxing match, you will have wasted a huge chunk of your morning (and everyone else's). Repeat ad nausea until you've had enough. Ready your memorized pablum to close the meeting with. (Always impart some sort of moral lesson to bookend your meetings- people love it.)

If you still have time to burn after the meeting's over, you might want to obsess about housekeeping a bit more. Take a stroll around the office park. Take into account mess, grime, clutter, etc. Be as meticulous as possible! This isn't only an effective time sink, but also shows you as a strict boss who cares about the little details. Any boss, competent or not, who's meticulous down to the tiniest detail often excels at what he does (in your case- lying). Before long, you'll be heralded as some kind of multi-tasking genius- especially when your on-site inspections are contrasted with your day-to-day "important" office meetings. Plus, you're getting your much-needed exercise during office hours!

Boy, he's been in and out of meetings all day and he still manages to check if there's dirt in the bathroom! He sure is one helluva multi-tasker!

By this time, you should approach an unsuspecting worker near the vicinity, confront him about the mess, and give him a lengthy lecture about how cleanliness is next to godliness until either one of you falls asleep standing up (again, try hard it won't be you). Remind him that your findings will be discussed in tomorrow's meeting.

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