reaping the cost of solitude

Thursday, January 29, 2015

If The Dead Could Talk

A dead and live person talk at a funeral:

Dead Person: Hi.

Living Person: Hello.

DP: Why the long face?

LP: You're dead!

DP: I'm so sorry about the whole "dying" thing. I just couldn't help it. Well... my body couldn't. But I'm fine. I feel wonderful actually.

LP: You're not fine. You're dead. You're in a stupid-looking casket and your skin is starting to decay from where I stand.

DP: Oh, you mean my carcass? Pay no mind to it. We all decompose into dirt at some point. It's all bound to happen. By the way, I didn't mean to just collapse in front of you that day - you know what I'm talking about - do you remember that day?

LP: What do you mean do I remember? Of course I do! Seeing your lifeless body slumped on the floor is not something that's easy to forget!

DP: I'm really really sorry. I really couldn't help it. I hope that wasn't too traumatizing for you. I'm particularly concerned about mother. She looked pretty upset. How's she doing anyway?

LP: None of us are fine. We're at your funeral. She's right over there in tears. Why don't you ask her yourself? She could use your company right now.

DP: I'll chat with her later. Right now I want to talk to you.

LP: Uh, okay. So... what are you going to do now?

DP: I honestly don't know. I'm still trying to get the hang of this being "dead" thing. For instance, did you know I could fly now? Also, it's been a week since I last ate, slept, and defecated. It's extremely liberating.

LP: I'm sorry - did you say you could fly?

DP: Yeah! Ain't it great? The very moment I collapsed, I felt my entire existence instantly pierce the sky. It was like being reborn with invisible wings.

LP: That... sounds awesome I guess.

DP: Are you kidding me? Remember when you were a kid pretending to be a bird or a plane? Remember all the Superman movies? Or being on the back of a motorbike with your arms outstretched trying to take flight*? Those are nothing compared to what's in store for you and everyone else in this room. It's seriously amazing. The only downside is you have to die. Make sure to write that down in your little notebook. "Death Equals Flight".

LP: Hmm... that's interesting. Okay, I'll take your word for it.
(Writes down "DEATH = FLIGHT" on a piece of paper.) 

DP: That might have been a bit too early and too much information for you. I wouldn't want you getting excited about dying all of a sudden. You know - cos you're still alive and you still need to take care of my teary-eyed mother over there.

LP: I do not plan on dying soon. And I'm not exactly sure if I believe you. I'm not even sure if I'm hallucinating right now. But I'm glad that you're fine - and enjoying yourself, apparently.

DP: Pfft... I'm great. Don't worry about me... Hey. My coffin's starting to descend down that big hole in the ground.

LP: Yeah, look at everyone wail.

DP: Why's Hindi Kita Malilimutan playing in the background? I did not 'okay' this.

LP: It was between that or Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On.

DP: Ugh. Make it stop. Put on Chop Suey.

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